Post by Yona Maro on Dec 20, 2005 3:25:57 GMT -5
Somewhere along the marriage journey, you sit and wonder what you could have been thinking, marrying the person you were with. I have news for you...you weren't! All you knew was that he could always say just the right thing to make you feel special, always seemed to know what your mood was and could charm the tusks off an elephant. Now he sits in a chair, watching a game, oblivious to your desire to be looked at adoringly. What is wrong? You run to the mirror to see if there are any extra rolls of fat that have suddenly appeared, or the second chin that has been rampant in your gene pool! No, still looking rather sexy, if you say so yourself, so what is it? Why no sparks?
The reality is that love has nothing to do with marriage, other than taking you down the road to get there. Once there, the only thing that will keep both of you together is ...committment, communication and mutual respect. Without these three pillars, you might as well throw out the whole thing. The third year and the fifth years are the most trying. You fight, you fuss, you find out that you can be incredibly mean and evil to a person that you claim to love...and you are shocked at the venom with which some things will come out. How dare he say you can't cook at all. It was your cooking that kept him visiting you in the first place when you were dating! As you sit and glare at each other with venomous thoughts flying through your heads, or stay in seperate rooms, dealing with the anger, remember, you have made a committment, for better or for worse.
My advice is to look to your past, your ancestors, your elders. Older women always had a saying that you feed your man first, and then have a serious discussion. From a logical point of view, it is easier to think rationally when your stomach is not growling in three part harmony as it gnaws itself to death. Ladies, I realize that we are becoming westernized, but maybe it is time for us to show the west the reason why our men, no matter what they said outside, deferred to our wisdom behind closed doors. We treated him like a man. We deferred to him in public and voiced our dissent in private. With his ego stroked, how could he not help but do what you gently suggested. True leadership is not in forcing someone to obey your will, but in gently persuading them that they prefer yours. You also gain his trust. He will count on you to watch his back and if you suggest he avoid a certain plan of action, he doesn't question it (and if he does, he does what you suggested anyway).
Men, don't think this is just about the ladies! Too often African men run around talking about how they can have as many wives as they would like, but if my memory serves me correctly, he had to be able to afford to take care of his wife and children well. Otherwise he was considered a failure and not a real man. Take care of what you have. Used to be a time that a man had to buy his plot of land and build his house for the family. If he had sons, each son was given some land and a house was built for him (of course each tribe has variations on this central theme). Be a man. This western mentality of loving and leaving is not the legacy that we were left with. Let us not go the way of the fatherless family. You are an integral part of the home. You guide and ground it. Leave a legacy to be proud of as your ancestors have before you.
Our African heritage has been one of a strong family-centered home. Let us keep it that way so that others can come to us to learn what we have to teach. Let them come full circle to the land that was the educator, to educate them once again!
The reality is that love has nothing to do with marriage, other than taking you down the road to get there. Once there, the only thing that will keep both of you together is ...committment, communication and mutual respect. Without these three pillars, you might as well throw out the whole thing. The third year and the fifth years are the most trying. You fight, you fuss, you find out that you can be incredibly mean and evil to a person that you claim to love...and you are shocked at the venom with which some things will come out. How dare he say you can't cook at all. It was your cooking that kept him visiting you in the first place when you were dating! As you sit and glare at each other with venomous thoughts flying through your heads, or stay in seperate rooms, dealing with the anger, remember, you have made a committment, for better or for worse.
My advice is to look to your past, your ancestors, your elders. Older women always had a saying that you feed your man first, and then have a serious discussion. From a logical point of view, it is easier to think rationally when your stomach is not growling in three part harmony as it gnaws itself to death. Ladies, I realize that we are becoming westernized, but maybe it is time for us to show the west the reason why our men, no matter what they said outside, deferred to our wisdom behind closed doors. We treated him like a man. We deferred to him in public and voiced our dissent in private. With his ego stroked, how could he not help but do what you gently suggested. True leadership is not in forcing someone to obey your will, but in gently persuading them that they prefer yours. You also gain his trust. He will count on you to watch his back and if you suggest he avoid a certain plan of action, he doesn't question it (and if he does, he does what you suggested anyway).
Men, don't think this is just about the ladies! Too often African men run around talking about how they can have as many wives as they would like, but if my memory serves me correctly, he had to be able to afford to take care of his wife and children well. Otherwise he was considered a failure and not a real man. Take care of what you have. Used to be a time that a man had to buy his plot of land and build his house for the family. If he had sons, each son was given some land and a house was built for him (of course each tribe has variations on this central theme). Be a man. This western mentality of loving and leaving is not the legacy that we were left with. Let us not go the way of the fatherless family. You are an integral part of the home. You guide and ground it. Leave a legacy to be proud of as your ancestors have before you.
Our African heritage has been one of a strong family-centered home. Let us keep it that way so that others can come to us to learn what we have to teach. Let them come full circle to the land that was the educator, to educate them once again!