Post by Yona Maro on Sept 4, 2005 5:35:05 GMT -5
Too many people in relationships are afraid to do anything that might threaten the current relationship. They avoid "sticky" topics, trying not to rock the boat.
Why?
If the boat is that fragile, it's probably going to sink anyway, so get out now.
The statistics tell us that half of all marriages end in divorce. Look at those that don't.
How many of them would you like to be in?
Lots of bad relationships should suggest that conventional wisdom is not adequate to the task, so try something novel - telling the truth to each other. The truth is bound to make it tougher to be in a relationship, but why would you want to be in a relationship based on lies anyway?
Why would a single person want to be in a relationship based on lies.
If someone has gotten a job, lost weight, or become sober in order to meet someone nice, you may want to question their motives.
After they have gotten a commitment from someone nice, will they really stay employed, thin, and sober?
The lasting changes are the ones we do for ourselves.
So, what are you supposed to do if you want to be honest in your dating?
Well, the first step is to be honest regarding your expectations, how you think the rest of the movie looks for yourself as well as for your partner.
The second step is for your partner to share the same expectations. Neither of you can guarantee the future, but you can tell if their expectations don't match yours.
You also need to develop an understanding of how you will work together to "change the script" for your movie. Things change, and you both have to be able to adapt, but you also need to be true to your commitments.
The right answer differs from couple to couple, but you have to have a way to ask your partner for permission to change the script as you grow.
The future cannot be accurately predicted, but a limited number of factors can be pretty well controlled.
You both need to know each other's priorities, the things that make a real difference.
Maybe your priorities are fidelity, communication, and a love for travel. Your partner needs to know that these are serious expectations, things that you are counting on them for.
So, if your partner has a stroke and has trouble communicating, are you going to run away?
Of course not.
On the other hand, if your partner was only actively communicating with you in order to win your favor, and quits after a relationship is formalized, you have a very legitimate gripe. How you handle that is up to you, but your gripe would be a lot less legit if you had not made your priorities clear.
The bottom line is, you are talking about developing a partnership. That means you are planning on working together for the "long haul," not just as long as it is convenient.
You can't anticipate everything that your future holds, but you will have a better future if you try (at least a little).
Isn't this harder than the normal way people get together?
Sure it is. Now, don't forget those divorce statistics. They did it the easy way.
I guess it's your choice.
Why?
If the boat is that fragile, it's probably going to sink anyway, so get out now.
The statistics tell us that half of all marriages end in divorce. Look at those that don't.
How many of them would you like to be in?
Lots of bad relationships should suggest that conventional wisdom is not adequate to the task, so try something novel - telling the truth to each other. The truth is bound to make it tougher to be in a relationship, but why would you want to be in a relationship based on lies anyway?
Why would a single person want to be in a relationship based on lies.
If someone has gotten a job, lost weight, or become sober in order to meet someone nice, you may want to question their motives.
After they have gotten a commitment from someone nice, will they really stay employed, thin, and sober?
The lasting changes are the ones we do for ourselves.
So, what are you supposed to do if you want to be honest in your dating?
Well, the first step is to be honest regarding your expectations, how you think the rest of the movie looks for yourself as well as for your partner.
The second step is for your partner to share the same expectations. Neither of you can guarantee the future, but you can tell if their expectations don't match yours.
You also need to develop an understanding of how you will work together to "change the script" for your movie. Things change, and you both have to be able to adapt, but you also need to be true to your commitments.
The right answer differs from couple to couple, but you have to have a way to ask your partner for permission to change the script as you grow.
The future cannot be accurately predicted, but a limited number of factors can be pretty well controlled.
You both need to know each other's priorities, the things that make a real difference.
Maybe your priorities are fidelity, communication, and a love for travel. Your partner needs to know that these are serious expectations, things that you are counting on them for.
So, if your partner has a stroke and has trouble communicating, are you going to run away?
Of course not.
On the other hand, if your partner was only actively communicating with you in order to win your favor, and quits after a relationship is formalized, you have a very legitimate gripe. How you handle that is up to you, but your gripe would be a lot less legit if you had not made your priorities clear.
The bottom line is, you are talking about developing a partnership. That means you are planning on working together for the "long haul," not just as long as it is convenient.
You can't anticipate everything that your future holds, but you will have a better future if you try (at least a little).
Isn't this harder than the normal way people get together?
Sure it is. Now, don't forget those divorce statistics. They did it the easy way.
I guess it's your choice.