Is Cybersex Cheating?

[Yona Maro]

These days, it's unclear whether cybersex is cheating, a new form of solo sex, or something in-between. With the anonymity the computer offers, many formerly monogamous men and women are turning to the Internet for cheap thrills.

Whether or not a person considers cybersex cheating really depends on what he or she has agreed upon with their partner as regards sexual aids. If as a couple, neither of you minds the other getting off alone with some spicy erotica, cybersex with a stranger shouldn't be perceived as much different.

There is some point however, where encounters with strangers cross the line into the development of a relationship. It's hard to say exactly when this point occurs, but answers to some basic questions could help form the boundary:

Does your cybersex partner know you're in relationship with someone else?
Is it clear to your cybersex partner(s) that you're only interested in virtual experiences and not meeting in person?
What's the longest amount of time you've cybered with the same person?
Are you willing to stop engaging in cybersex in order to negotiate this new twist in your real-life relationship?
For some people, cybersex is a big turn-on, which they can turn into passion and creativity in the bedroom with their real-life partner. For others, cybersex is a serious distraction from problems in their primary relationship. What's most important is to keep the communication lines open with your partner so you continue to be respectful and worthy of your long-term relationship.

[Yona Maro]

This is definitely cheating. Don't let the "exploring sexuality within boundaries" fool you. It starts out innocent and is very exciting but just like a frog that has been put in a pot of water - the heat is slowly turned up and before the frog knows it, it's cooked. This opens the doors to other things! It is like alcoholism (read "Out of the Shadows" and you'll understand. My husband started with this and it moved to adult chatrooms, web cameras, swinging (trying to convince me to do it), strip clubs, and then affairs. At least this is what I could track down and there is much that I didn't find. We ended up 50K in debt, the marraige was destroyed, he risked the children finding it (including naked pictures of HIMSELF on the computer) and we ended up in divorce after 12 yrs of marraige. It controlled his life - as well as mine as I tried to STAY ON the computer so that he would STAY OFF of it. It ruined both of our lives, made me feel as though I was not sufficient for him (even though our sex life was fine), and will forever affect my life. DO NOT THINK YOU CAN CONTROL THIS! Once it gets into your life, it starts to control you and takes over every aspect of it. Go invest in books about turning eachother on, instead of seeking online pornography to fulfill it. Believe me, you think it's innocent, but it's not. Someone is on the other end. Someone will want to "meet" you. Soon you are planning online "dates", pushing your wife and family aside to meet with that person. It starts to affect your work, your finances, your health. You do it in secret, hiding it from friends and family - but it's all you can think of and all you look forward to. Your dirty little secret that you want no one to know about, yet is the only thing you look forward to. You look at every flaw of your partner as an excuse to go and do this - as though it's JUSTIFIED! Believe me - I heard every excuse that turned it back onto me and my problems. "Oh, you had so many problems I didn't want to burden you with mine", he would say. Oh - so you show your erection on the net? Yeah, right. You would not believe the lies and excuses he'd make up! And what about your partner? How are they to deal with it? I was ashamed to talk to anyone about it - friends, family, clergy, etc. I got tired of arguing with him about it and shut down, shut off, and went into a depression. How could someone that was supposed to love, cherish, and protect me, able to do this and hurt me? What about the kids, who were using the computer too? They could have accidentally found the files, like I did. What if someone started calling the house? (You ARE NOT annonymous online!) It didn't matter to him - only his sick desires mattered to him. It's extremely addicting and do not even try to fool yourself that you "can handle it". You can't. No one can. It takes over and there is no such thing as doing it for "sex only". Eventually, the emotional aspects of relationships starts to take over and you find yourself wanting to talk to that person. Thinking they will understand what you are going through. How you need spice in your bedroom - but then it gets to be that you are opening up to that person more than you are to your spouse. Put your time and energy into your relationship and make that the best it can be. Do not turn to cheap thrills to "make your relationship better". It's a crock and YOU KNOW IT. Just like alcohol - addiction and uncontrollable. It WILL take over and destroy your relationship. Don't throw your life away!